I want to apologize for everything I ever said wrong to you, Shelby. I’m doing it on here because I may never see you again. Not in a bad way.. I just won’t be coming around anymore. I want you to be happy. If that means you being with this new guy then so be it. It kills me inside to know I can’t have you back.. to know I can’t hold you or kiss you or tell you goodnight.. I can’t tell you how much I love you or how beautiful you are constantly. Just so you know I never blamed you. When people asked what happened between us I always told them it was my fault. Because it was. I fucked up the amazing thing we had going. I fucked up and didn’t speak up when I needed to. I fucked up and pushed you away by trying so hard to win you back. You just wanted to be happy and I’ve ruined it so many times. I’ve been selfish I guess.. but I love you. I love you so much that if I have to sacrifice my own happiness just so that you may be happy then so be it. Because without you I am a complete wreck. I’m always sad. I can’t help it. Im just so in love with you. I’m sorry for the last night we talked. I’m sorry for the hateful things I said. I was such a dick. You know that isnt me. I was just so upset because it finally hit me that I had lost the princess I fought so hard to win over the years. Nobody can compare to you. Even when you are at your worst. You we’re the best thing ever to me. If I could go back in time, it wouldn’t be to the day that I messed up. It would be to the first day I asked you out. That way I could relive falling in love with each other all over again. I hate what became of us. We are complete strangers now. The girl that means more than anything else in the world to me doesn’t even want to talk to me. That is the worst feeling ever. I hope you find who you are looking for one day. I hope you find a guy that is everything you hoped for.. like I did. I hope you keep him.. like I wish I could have.. Im apologizing on here because I don’t even know if you get my messages on facebook. And I won’t come around anymore. I cant. I have to fight tears back when I see you. I’m too ashamed to even look you in the eyes. I did this to myself though. I love you, Shelby. And I always will. Have fun.. and be safe. I’ll be around if you ever need me.. this will be my last tumblr post. Too many memories on this site. You showed it to me. You tried teaching me how to work it. You did a lot for me the last couple of years. And to my followers, I’m sorry If you enjoyed what I posted but I can’t keep doing this. Something has to change. I bought myself a journal. I will complain in it from now on. I love you all. Enjoy tumbling.
I only slept for two hours.. it felt as though I was having one thousand unsettling dreams at once. All realization of my life equaling less than shit hitting me at once. The fact that all I have in my life is my grandma and grandpa. That may sound like enough to others.. but I want a mom.. I want a dad.. I want love.. my parents are willing to ignore me and watch me suffer through life. Just watching and waiting for me to finally fail and give up. Who could blame them? I tend to mess up a lot. I’ve done it my whole life. I’ll continue to do it. The only girl who could deal with my fuck ups I lost. Can I blame her? I’m so cold. I’m cold on the outside. I’m even colder on the inside. Everyday without my parents or Shelby is another day that I lose hope for myself. My grandparents can see that I am losing hope too. They can hear it in my voice. I think they know what is happening. But they love me so much that they will support anything I do. Even if than means giving up on everything. I’m so tired of fighting. I’m so tired of trying to keep my head up. There is too much going on right now. It was easier when Shelby was there to hold me. She didn’t have to say a word. She could just look into my eyes and I’d be at peace. Most men spend their whole lives looking for what I found. Knowing that I lost it.. that is what hurts. I’ve lost family.. Ive lost friends.. I had to help my friend when his house burned down.. I have to help the other keep the secret of his mom’s passing away.. I’m the only person who knows other than his family. Zack makes ‘your mom’ jokes all the time. I just see his face drop when it happens.. but he doesn’t want to worry anyone. I’ve nearly lost my grandpa twice.. my uncle once.. I’ve seen them stick my uncle in rehab.. god that doesn’t even scrape the surface.. but all that and more would be so much easier to handle.. if Shelby would just hold me, look into my eyes, and just say ‘it will be okay’.. she can’t do that anymore though.. she doesn’t love ne like I love her anymore. And I will never understand why. Ill just be here.. alone. Because I have nowhere else to go. Nothing else to do..
I fucking hate crying.
I never felt more Alone.. then when I saw him and her talking.. I shouldn’t be this upset and jealous.. but the idea of the love of my life with another guy is just killing me slowly on the inside.. he better treat her right.. he better tell her goodnight every night.. and good morning every morning.. he better remind her everyday that she is beautiful.. he better take her out so she feels special.. show her off so she feels pretty.. he better not hurt her.. she doesn’t deserve to be hurt.. he better be everything I can’t be.. I love her but she doesn’t want me back.. I have to just let her be happy with someone else.. even if it kills me in the process.
I fell asleep and dreamt so happy,
Only to wake back up to an unsettling reality.
I wish Randy was here to give me his words of wisdom. He always knew what to say. He always knew exactly what to say.
I feel sick. I feel dead. I feel lost in a crowd of people who tower over me and stare relentlessly into my own being. They twist and change and fix me to fit their requirements. I wear a false smile and tell myself it is okay. It is not okay. It hasn’t been okay for several months. I might not able to do this much longer. I can’t get over this pain. I might never get over this pain. It only gets worse. It only gets worse every single day. That doesn’t quite matter though.
Hello everyone. It’s been a while, yes? I don’t know. I guess. I don’t know.